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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"