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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.