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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.