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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
Has anyone ever seen a gorilla in the mist? Some of the local drivers struggle to see my car in perfect daylight conditions, so I doubt that they`d spot a Gorilla in limited visibility!!!!!
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...