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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.