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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
Velcro is a ripoff
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.