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The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.