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Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.