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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.