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My favorite part of the day? The food part.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour