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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.