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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.