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Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.