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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.