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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.