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Does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.