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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
It should really be called teethpaste.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
You had me at 0 mutual friends