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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.