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Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.