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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."