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Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.