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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...