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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.