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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
I want it all and I want it delivered.
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.