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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.