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There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
I went for window shopping , and guest what , I bought four windows....
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.