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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
I was about to read the story below. But it was too long.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
FYI: The signs that say "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn`t.
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.