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Iām sorry Iām late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Adulthood ā Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Iām pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.