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It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.