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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.