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I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!