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Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
The best things in life require no pants.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.