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I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
Not one back to school special on beer. What kind of world do we live in.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.