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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug