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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."