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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?