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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
Sometimes I wish people would just bring donuts to work instead of drama.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.