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There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.