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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes