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why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.