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Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious