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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.