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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
Gun Control: Use both hands
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".