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It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you