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I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet to see which comes first. I`ll keep you posted.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.