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Jesus is coming.... look busy
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
Tieam... problem solved
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.