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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...