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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
It`s no fun if you have permission.
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.