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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?