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Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Iām giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
Good job on the speed traps, cops ā How are the murderer traps coming along?
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.