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Vodka is just amazing water.
Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.