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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.