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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?