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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
Most problems can be solved with nudity
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.