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I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out