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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
I believe in love at first episode.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment