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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
Most problems can be solved with nudity
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.