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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."