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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We`ll see.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?