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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.