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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
Got tasered at speed dating again.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat