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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.