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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.