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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
Don`t believe everything you think.
Every woman needs a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to lean on and a shoulder to hold her bra strap on!!!
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.