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People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
Anyone else has a plastic bag at home full of plastic bags?
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.