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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Email: 8 character min, including 1 upper, 1 lower, 1 number, 1 special character. ATM card: 4 numbers
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.