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To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.