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You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.