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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.