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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.