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Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.