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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.