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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.