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Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.