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Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the `Like` button is below)
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it