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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.