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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?