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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
I flunked anger management class.
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.