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The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?