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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........