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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.