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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.