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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.