Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.