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Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
Here`s a thought: Let`s let the illegal Mexicans stay and send the whining crybabies to Mexico. At least the illegal Mexicans are willing to work.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."