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When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.