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When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."