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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her