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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
When in doubt, take a nap.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.