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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.