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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Don`t believe everything you think.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.