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My favorite part of the day? The food part.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.