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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending Iām not excited.
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
I want it all and I want it delivered.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.