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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
So can we just skip to summer now?
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!