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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
I hope common sense is the next cool trend.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.