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Cashiers are always checking me out.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.