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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
I have nothing!
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?