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I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.