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I order all my food with extra gluten.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend