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My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
is wondering if the hokey pokey is really what it´s all about