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I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.