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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
Life`s short ... Drink fast