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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!