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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
Okay I`m going to workout. Should I post about it now or after I`m done?
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!