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Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.