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Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(