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Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."